TAI PAN

2010-07-10T13:20:00.000-07:00

While taking tea with my former employee Mr. Cameron in London the other day, we mused upon the recent business in the Gulf of Mexico. It had not escaped either of us that someone we knew had substantial investments in the Macondo well operations that have gone so appallingly awry.

Young David produced a copy of the Congress report that I was able to peruse. One particular section he drew to my attention concerned the origins of the failed 'blow-out preventer'. Whose company do you think might have designed and provided the substandard equipment? Tracing the serial number of the item, one can ascertain that its origins lie with Gornt Deep-Sea Hydronautics of Manila.

And where might Quillan be at present? Not in Hong Kong, but 'touring the southern states', supposedly on holiday, but I think there might be an ulterior motive. However, Gornt has done a much better job than BP CEO Tony Hayward in keeping out of the limelight.

Still, we might yet see QG on the beaches, shovel in hand, trying to sway the media yet.

Hope you're enjoying your travels Quillan!

The Noble House sets the trend

2010-04-26T00:00:00.000-07:00

As Tai-Pan of the Noble House, I made the decision to relocate our HQ to Europe nearly two years ago. Since then the wisdom of my decision has been vindicated by the situation back East; rising pollution, high speed railway related demolition and the like have made business in HK less and less profitable. Discussing the matter with fellow Tai-Pan and Entrepreneur Eustachian Tsang over a bottle of '84 DP on the deck of the Flying Cloud moored off St-Tropez this weekend, it seems other firms are now thinking of following suit. Not that I can blame him with conditions developing there as they are. I would welcome my old sparring partner to the shores of Europe; there's just not the competition here and no-one understands Hong Kong Rules.

I raised a toast with Tsang to the introduction of some decent competition in Europe, and as the sun beat down onto the clear blue waters (no plastic flotsam here, note), I really did not miss the throngs of mainland tourists that were not on the beach.

Dubai Land

2009-11-26T22:16:00.000-08:00

As Tai-Pan, I must categorically state that the Noble House has no dealings with Dubai World and that our businesses remain unaffected - we need no extension of our lines of credit. Readers may be interested to note Mr Gornt's proposed joint venture with Dubai World in Central (Rothwell Mansions) seems to be mysteriously quiet after nigh-on a year's work. After all, we all need another luxury flat complex here. Could this white elephant have broken the Dubai firm's back?

Foundations abandoned at Rothwell Mansions

Tai-Pan Conference Geneva Follow-Up

2009-08-08T10:04:00.000-07:00

This month's Tai-Pan conference in Geneva saw The Noble House again flying in the face of the global recession and secure further business deals and interests which will garner profit admirably.

On the final day, business finished, the assembled Tai-Pans and European businessmen left the Beau-Rivage for some fillets de perche and Chasselais. When we arrived at the restaurant and were seated, however, we noticed that one of our number was missing. No prizes for guessing whom - our esteemed friend Mr. Quillan Gornt. Dinner continued without our companion, and our party decided to take a stroll along the waterfront where the Fetes de Geneve were taking place. And whom should we see there, you may enquire, but M. Gornt. He had seemingly monopolised an entire funfair dodgems ride and populated it with scantily clad young ladies of all varieties. He was screaming around the track, alternately swigging from a bottle of inferior champagne and shouting 'Vive la rue de Berne!' at the top of his voice, while ploughing into these poor girls in their cars. His extra mass left them little hope of a gentle nudge, but sent them flying and whirling at each contact. An amusing spectacle, but mildly embarrassing for Hong Kong's reputation in international business circles.

Tai-Pan Conference: Geneva

2009-07-26T02:21:00.000-07:00

Geneva is the location for this August's Tai-Pan Conference. It is unknown whether Gornt has recovered his mental well-being enough since his 'funny turn' the other week when he invested several billion in yoga and 'hip-hop' dance schools.

The Noble House looks forward to a successful and prosperous session, with several high-importance deals lined up with Swiss companies.

Anniversary Celebrations

2009-06-23T08:53:00.000-07:00

As many of you already know, and have kindly demonstrated, today is my birthday. As Tai-Pan of The Noble House, I would like to extend my invitation to a champagne reception tonight at the Victoria and Albert hotel to celebrate (No presents please; donations to Struan's Hong Kong Architectural Heritage Society).

I look forward to celebrating another successful year with you all.

Good joss to one and all.

The Tai-Pan

The V&A Bedecked in Birthday Celebration lights for The Tai-Pan

The Tai-Pan's Return

2009-06-14T01:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Shareholders,

this past month's trip back home to Hong Kong for the AGM and Asian leg of the Tai-Pan Summit in Hanoi was, I am glad to report, despite swine flu, a great success for The Noble House. New friendships and ventures were struck and old ties reaffirmed, all of which are critical to our prosperity and future.

It has, however, reinforced the remoteness of my current situation to our roots in Hong Kong. For the time being, it is absolutely essential that I remain here in the low countries to lead our European business operations, but I will endeavour to return as soon as feasibly possible to re-assume my seat in the Great House and office in the Struan's building.

There is of course nulli secondis in oriente to The Noble House of Asia, nor to Hong Kong, and although a global firm, our futures are inextricably intertwined.

I wish you all the bet of joss.

The Tai-Pan of the Noble House

Noble House Records Presents: The Sleeves

2009-05-06T10:41:00.000-07:00

Noble House Records is pleased to announce that The Sleeves will be playing a special gig to celebrate the Tai-Pan's homecoming at The Underground on 16 May.

So come and "rock out" with the Noble House!

Tai-Pan's Transportation Tampered

2009-04-29T09:42:00.000-07:00

It is with some concern I reflect upon my lucky escape today. Returning to The Tai-Pan's Residence on Struan Road, taking the final corner my brakes suddenly gave out. Luckily my experience as an amateur racing driver was not wasted, and I was able to safely recover a potentially life threatening situation. After coming to a controlled stop (and not having broken any traffic regulations) my thoughts immediately turned to a similar incident; once, returning from an evening reception at my mansion on Peak Road, Quillan Gornt's Bentley's brakes mysteriously gave way. Although no real connection has ever been made, Gornt has always blamed the Noble House for this incident. I would therefore expect that it is Gornt who is behind this latest sabotage, again trying to divert attention away from his recent Amsterdam escapades.

Not the crash in Question, but another one of Gornt's recent write-offs.

With a warning not to accept lifts from Gornt, especially during the small hours of the morning, I wish all of my employees in the Netherlands a Happy Queen's day for tomorrow.

Press Release: AGM & Shareholder Meeting

2009-04-26T03:02:00.000-07:00

The Noble House Press office, 26 April 2009

The Noble House today confirmed the location of its 2009 AGM and Shareholder meeting. It will take place at the Royal Samuiian (Noble House Resort Group), Koh Samui, Thailand, between 28 May and 1 June. This will run following the annual Tai-Pan conference in Hong Kong, hosted this year by Victoria Bank.

Shareholders should register their interest to attend by 10 May.

Tai-Pan Summit ends with mixed results

2009-04-18T05:39:00.000-07:00

Over the past week in Amsterdam, the heads of several Hong Kong firms and institutions have been meeting with European business leaders. Progress on several important deals was going well until the head of Rothwell-Gornt stormed off after his 'unique' negotiation style failed to win over property developers from Amsterdam's city centre. I did not see him again until the following morning, when the newspaper was served with my breakfast.

Poor Gornt looked a little the worse for wear, and slightly spaced out, when he was photographed leaving a premises in the Red Light District at 3 a.m., and was heard to be rambling about 'Hallucinations' and 'Stark reality' as the headline states.

Gornt's PR department went into overdrive, thinking attack the best form of defence, trying again to smear the name of the Noble House. As their allegations are entirely fictional, they have settled out of court. I wish Quillian a quick recovery, and am sure he can regain the vast amount of face that he lost with a generous donation to the Amsterdam Orphans fund.

Shipping Slump Stops Some (but not the Noble House)

2009-04-06T10:42:00.000-07:00

Recent media reports are spinning a yarn tale over the effect of the downturn on the shipping industry here in the Fragrant Harbour. Some are weighed down by charter chains, but no shipping firm has yet got into serious financial trouble (unlike some from Asia's second world city). Having started as a shipping and export firm, the Noble House knows the business back to front, although this forms a much smaller part of the company these days. Having always owned and used its own ships it is still sailing through the storm as Mr Howse has testified on the BBC (a slight lapse in memory for names can be forgiven!) while others are drifting towards the rocks and reefs. So for secure shipping through the financial turmoil, you can still be sure of the Noble House.

Swire Slick Spoils Seas

2009-03-14T03:02:00.000-07:00

The Noble House is sad to learn of the disaster that has struck the Australian coast. The Swire-owned vessel Pacific Adventurer shed its cargo of oil after being caught in the tail of a cyclone. As Tai-Pan of The Noble House I would never permit a vessel to go to sea unless it was deemed safe, especially through typhoon-wracked waters. That is why Struan's reputation is unblemished, and is Hong Kong and the World's firm of choice when it comes to ocean transport.

The Pacific Adventurer before the incident

Noble House Records

2009-02-25T09:33:00.000-08:00

The Noble House is proud to release the first album by our newest signing on the Struan Sounds label.

Available from all good stockists in Victoria.

If you are thinking of moving into the music industry, you would do well to read HKOB holdings' guide to making it in the record industry, based on an oiriginal idea by Noble House Publishing.

Financial Crisis hits home at Rothwell Gornt?

2009-02-23T10:35:00.000-08:00

Browsing through the Taipan Times personal ads section, I happened to notice something that made me wonder if Gornt's company has quite the reserves he claims.

Sea Witch, currently of Hong Kong Royal Yacht Club

Gornt's favourite cruiser, the Sea Witch (named after his ancestor Brock's clipper) is up for sale. And at a price I think is quite unreasonable for such a junk (all puns intended).

I fear that if he's trying to raise capital to attempt to purchase new property, selling this isn't going to even raise enough money for the taxi ride to the estate agent.

Struan's Cola - Hong Kong's safe Cola

2009-02-08T01:15:00.000-08:00

The Noble House, as everyone knows, is the purveyor of Hong Kong's finest soft beverage - Stag Cola: The cool of the Highlands in the heat of the tropics.

As the Tai-Pan of the Noble House, particularly when it comes to our products, the safety and health of Hong Kong is a great concern of mine. I am particularly worried that Gornt is pressing ahead with the release of 'ExtraJoss - Active', after the scandal that arose during its recent trial period in the Philippines.

It turned out that the factory Gornt bought to make this product used to be a pesticide factory. Subsequently, the 'ExtraJoss - Active' was tainted with abamectin, chlorthiophos and kasugamycin. As their marketing gimmick inside the ring-pull would say: Bad Joss.

Not only has Gornt gone ahead with ExtraJoss regular here in Hong Kong, but the source is still the same. Can he guarantee the safety of this product? He has so far avoided any comment on this product, and ExtraJoss - Active is not even listed on the Rothwell-Gornt website.

Citizens of Hong Kong - if you want to stay safe, drink Struan's Stag Cola.

The Tai-Pan

Press Release: 2008 4th Quarter and Full-Year Results

2009-02-01T09:36:00.000-08:00

The Noble House has now released its complete results for 2008, and is pleased to retain its position as Hong Kong's most profitable company.

Earnings in the 4th quarter dipped slightly, in line with the global financial crisis, but it was still a record 135th year straight of growth in profits.

2009 looks to be a financially challenging year for the world, but The Noble House is sure that its diverse portfolio and dedicated staff will help it maintain its position as Hong Kong's most profitable trading house.

Please contact Euthanasia Tan (ex. 5154) for the full report.

Year of the Ox

2009-01-18T01:21:00.000-08:00

Report on the Annual Consultation with Master Yip

I have just returned from consulting our venerable 'Feng Shooee' advisor, Master Yip. The Noble House takes Chinese geomancy very seriously, as you are aware from the positioning of our office doors, and always consults Yip for his predictions over the following year for those members of staff who are keen to receive HK's most eminent astrologer's view upon the fortunes of the coming cycle. As Tai Pan of the Noble House, I have taken the liberty to interpret some of Yip's findings into business related contexts.

Yip: The Heavenly Stem and Earthly Branch are both grounded in earth, with concealed seams of gold and hidden springs. The coffers re-fill, but are spilled anew by chaos.

Tai-Pan: Although seemingly stable and initially profitable, the property/land sector will drain the funds poured into it. Not a good year to invest in new building projects (Shame about your new developments in Central and Kowloon West, Gornt). This also could be a veiled hint that there will be a general disaster to hit Asia - but then the astrologers do get caught up with big events happening in China in years that end in 9 (PRC founding, Tiananmen, May 4th movement etc.).

Yip: The giants that fell leave space for new dragons; those that did not fall must bend like the bamboo or shatter.

Tai-Pan: The Noble House was largely unscathed by the financial crisis due to forethought and diligent diverse planning. There will be new competition filling the vacuum left by competitors no longer with us. Rothwell Gornt did not collapse, but will have to fight hard against its rigid structures to adapt to new times. The Noble House will survive and prosper due to its flexibility.

Yip: The rat leaves chaos, the Ox stabilises; restraint, toil, wisdom and determination are the characteristics of the Ox. Those like the Ox will prosper.

Tai-Pan: Not a year for excess, put your head down and work. I'll put off buying that new AMG SLK as an example to the rest of the Noble House.

Yip: Be careful those born in the year of Ram, Horse, Dragon and Dog.

Tai-Pan: I know his birthday is a closely guarded secret, but I'd wager Gornt was born under one of these signs. Advice I didn't need in this instance!

For a full report, please contact The Tai-Pan's secretary Dyspepsia Wong on ext. +5118.

A Festive Message from The Tai-Pan

2008-12-27T07:09:00.000-08:00

2008 has been quite a year for the Tai-Pan and the Noble House, with extreme highs and lows, massive and unpredictable changes, and unsolicited holidays to Turkestan. In light of this, I am looking forward to calmer seas to steer the Flying Cloud and the rest of the fleet through, but with the economic forecast set to gales (storm-force later, veering south to south-westerly), the barometer falling in line with the stock market and piratical activity on the increase - both on the seas and in certain peoples business habits, we will need all the joss we can get to win through. But mark my words, as Tai-Pan of the Noble House I have no doubt that we will not only win through, but come out above and beyond all our competitors from the current financial typhoon.

Wishing you all much joss in the New Year.

The Tai-Pan

___________________________

Extracts from The Far Eastern Economic Review's interview with The Tai-Pan

What has the Tai-Pan been up to recently, and what are the Tai-Pan's plans for 2009?

There have been some rumours and reports that the Noble House has been distracted from the market recently, and has not been punching at its weight. Let me quash these immediately; they are but the vicious propaganda of certain rival tycoons and would-be tai-pans. I have personally been engaged in many international projects that will see the Noble House through the current fiscal crisis and also reap benefits for us, the most important trading house in Hong Kong, long beyond this time. These should start to come into fruition in 2009.

...

What do you make of the story that Quillian Gornt was behind the attack on the Noble House's stables that left the cream of your horses lame?

I am sure that Commissioner Tang and his police are leading a full and thorough investigation into this unwarranted and heinous attack. Whomever the culprit may be, I am sure that the full weight of the law will be thrown at them for this barbaric deed. I was shocked to hear about Gornt's best jockey being embroiled in that seedy affair in Bangkok, and am sure that the fifteen years handed down by the judge was a fair and just sentence, and should serve as a warning to other jockeys who try to feed barbiturates to their steeds.

...

Failed attempt on the Tai-Pan's wealth and life

2008-11-30T01:42:00.000-08:00

You may have noticed that I have been unable to bring you any news recently; well, it's hard to write to my audience when you've been snatched from the steps of your Gulf Stream by a gang of armed thugs (who might as well have been wearing 'I love Gornt' badges and T-Shirts), manacled, sent to Xinjiang by freight train and had a run-in with the local Party officials who tried to extort a substantial portion of your investments from you using a variety of uncommonly unpleasant ancient Chinese techniques. Fortunately there was a local militant uprising, and I was unwittingly sprung from jail, and helped escape across Central Asia by camel train.

That's the last time I go property hunting in Italy.

In my absence, I see that Gornt has had free reign and run wild over Hong Kong with his evil schemes. I also notice he's remained awfully quiet about my disappearance...

However, as Tai-Pan of the Noble House, I knew I would survive this ordeal, and have already rectified the damage done my stocks and holdings by Gornt in my absence. As I am not an evil man by nature, I've decided to show my gratitude to Gornt by making a gift of a holiday to him. Well maybe not to him exactly. Checked your stable recently Gornt?

Busy Week

2008-10-24T10:01:00.000-07:00

As Tai-Pan of the Noble House, it is only seemly and fitting that I have an appropriate abode in which to dwell. This week I have been viewing and selecting from among the finest properties in the Netherlands. Sadly, nothing is available at the same altitude as the Tai-Pan's residence in Hong Kong.

A small property with a central location

A bit gothic for my taste

Quite modern...

And then I found this. It reminded me of home, and that terrible incident in Aberdeen Harbour. So I bought it as a business interest.

No repeats please

But where will the Tai-Pan's residence be in the Netherlands?

Right Move

2008-10-16T09:38:00.000-07:00

It seems that again I have taken an enormous risk that has paid off, and placed the Noble House clear out of danger, while other HK businesses are heading e scylla in charybdis. By repositioning many of the Noble House's most critical interests outside of HK, I have avoided the impending doom that John CW Tsang is denying the existence of.

Comprador Philip Chen would have agreed

In fact, things are looking so good here that I am actively seeking land to develop new European headquarters for the Noble House here in the Netherlands (which is probably now more laissez-faire in terms of economy than HK).

A design competition to design the new HQ buildings will be opened for budding young architects here in the Netherlands

New Frontiers

2008-10-15T09:58:00.000-07:00

Always a follower, never an innovator (except in areas of deception and underhand dealings), Rothwell-Gornt's head Quillian Gornt has finally come into the internet age, and sat at the e-business table. Just as I thought he might, he has been so distracted with trying to manage this new venture, that he failed to notice that the building plot in front of his house was sold. To me. I can now reveal the new plans for Struan Heights. Enjoy the view, Gornt.

An additional thought

2008-10-13T12:41:00.001-07:00

I think it's about time I traded in my reliable old Merc, as it's probably causing HK's air pollution all by itself as my head butler takes it out for its weekly stretch.

Demand for the former property of the Tai-Pan is usually high, so I'll start the bidding at HK$1.5M in bonds, bullion or property (HK island only).

New Deal

2008-10-13T12:08:00.000-07:00

Another deal investing further in Dutch heating oil went ahead today with a small Anglo-Dutch joint venture called Shell. The company was so pleased to be doing business with the Noble House that the CEO personally came out to sign the deal. It seems that in these tough times for all but the Noble House, even oilers are affected. I believe that with the Noble House's investment they should be able to pay their staff this year.

The oil company's CEO, very happy after today's meeting

The Tai-Pan of the Noble House, musing on a deal in warmer climes

Weathering the Credit Crunch

2008-10-12T01:50:00.000-07:00

As Tai-Pan of the Noble House, I am well versed in risk and am used to staking incomprehensible sums on the market and the horses at Happy Valley. The present economic climate hasn't affected our assets, as my seemingly left-field investment in Dutch heating oil, garlic farms and whale farming was actually a cunningly instigated tactical move. These happen to be the only three sectors that are growing in the face of financial collapse. The Noble House has again outflanked Rothwell-Gornt and our other rivals to remain the dominant trading power. But this is not the end of the opportunities for the Noble House in the Dutch Market, and to this end I will be establishing a permanent branch of the company here.

Gornt - out-manoeuvred again

Asian Food Dutch Style

2008-10-07T11:27:00.000-07:00

As you would expect for Tai-Pan of the Noble House, born and raised in Hong Kong, Asian food is something I am very particular about (unlike that uncultured Gornt). Being used to only the finest from the best restaurants and chefs in HK, you would think it very surprising if I found the Asian food here in the Netherlands up to scratch. And you'd be right. This Japanese establishment, ironically run by compatriots rather than the real McYamamoto, is a good example of how to use garlic as the main ingredient of every dish. By main, I mean at least 60%. For this reason, the Noble House will be buying into Dutch garlic farms.

Lay Ho Tai-Pan, err, I mean irasshaimasu!

You call this weather?

2008-10-05T01:20:00.000-07:00

In Hong Kong we have real storms; they bring down buildings, cause landslides and bury our friends and colleagues under tonnes of rubble and water. Here, 'bad weather' is a persistent drizzle and a bit of a breeze. Still, it's got HK beaten on the low temperature front, and to this end, the Noble House is buying into Dutch heating oil.

Drizzle
Real rain

Business as usual

2008-10-04T12:55:00.000-07:00

Being Tai Pan of the Noble House does mean that occasionally one has no choice but to leave Hong Kong. At present I'm in the Netherlands, but my physical distance from the heart of the Noble House will not affect business, and our closest rivals (such as HKOB Holdings) are too busy reeling from the effect of their over-investment in US mortgage-backed securities to try and ruin our stock. However, I do have the matter of a missing half-coin weighing on my mind.