Thursday, 26 November 2009

Dubai Land

As Tai-Pan, I must categorically state that the Noble House has no dealings with Dubai World and that our businesses remain unaffected - we need no extension of our lines of credit. Readers may be interested to note Mr Gornt's proposed joint venture with Dubai World in Central (Rothwell Mansions) seems to be mysteriously quiet after nigh-on a year's work. After all, we all need another luxury flat complex here. Could this white elephant have broken the Dubai firm's back?

Foundations abandoned at Rothwell Mansions

Saturday, 8 August 2009

Tai-Pan Conference Geneva Follow-Up

This month's Tai-Pan conference in Geneva saw The Noble House again flying in the face of the global recession and secure further business deals and interests which will garner profit admirably.

On the final day, business finished, the assembled Tai-Pans and European businessmen left the Beau-Rivage for some fillets de perche and Chasselais. When we arrived at the restaurant and were seated, however, we noticed that one of our number was missing. No prizes for guessing whom - our esteemed friend Mr. Quillan Gornt. Dinner continued without our companion, and our party decided to take a stroll along the waterfront where the Fetes de Geneve were taking place. And whom should we see there, you may enquire, but M. Gornt. He had seemingly monopolised an entire funfair dodgems ride and populated it with scantily clad young ladies of all varieties. He was screaming around the track, alternately swigging from a bottle of inferior champagne and shouting 'Vive la rue de Berne!' at the top of his voice, while ploughing into these poor girls in their cars. His extra mass left them little hope of a gentle nudge, but sent them flying and whirling at each contact. An amusing spectacle, but mildly embarrassing for Hong Kong's reputation in international business circles.

Sunday, 26 July 2009

Tai-Pan Conference: Geneva

Geneva is the location for this August's Tai-Pan Conference. It is unknown whether Gornt has recovered his mental well-being enough since his 'funny turn' the other week when he invested several billion in yoga and 'hip-hop' dance schools.

The Noble House looks forward to a successful and prosperous session, with several high-importance deals lined up with Swiss companies.

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Anniversary Celebrations

As many of you already know, and have kindly demonstrated, today is my birthday. As Tai-Pan of The Noble House, I would like to extend my invitation to a champagne reception tonight at the Victoria and Albert hotel to celebrate (No presents please; donations to Struan's Hong Kong Architectural Heritage Society).

I look forward to celebrating another successful year with you all.

Good joss to one and all.

The Tai-Pan

The V&A Bedecked in Birthday Celebration lights for The Tai-Pan

Sunday, 14 June 2009

The Tai-Pan's Return

Dear Shareholders,

this past month's trip back home to Hong Kong for the AGM and Asian leg of the Tai-Pan Summit in Hanoi was, I am glad to report, despite swine flu, a great success for The Noble House. New friendships and ventures were struck and old ties reaffirmed, all of which are critical to our prosperity and future.

It has, however, reinforced the remoteness of my current situation to our roots in Hong Kong. For the time being, it is absolutely essential that I remain here in the low countries to lead our European business operations, but I will endeavour to return as soon as feasibly possible to re-assume my seat in the Great House and office in the Struan's building.

There is of course nulli secondis in oriente to The Noble House of Asia, nor to Hong Kong, and although a global firm, our futures are inextricably intertwined.

I wish you all the bet of joss.

The Tai-Pan of the Noble House

Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Noble House Records Presents: The Sleeves

Noble House Records is pleased to announce that The Sleeves will be playing a special gig to celebrate the Tai-Pan's homecoming at The Underground on 16 May.

So come and "rock out" with the Noble House!

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Tai-Pan's Transportation Tampered

It is with some concern I reflect upon my lucky escape today. Returning to The Tai-Pan's Residence on Struan Road, taking the final corner my brakes suddenly gave out. Luckily my experience as an amateur racing driver was not wasted, and I was able to safely recover a potentially life threatening situation. After coming to a controlled stop (and not having broken any traffic regulations) my thoughts immediately turned to a similar incident; once, returning from an evening reception at my mansion on Peak Road, Quillan Gornt's Bentley's brakes mysteriously gave way. Although no real connection has ever been made, Gornt has always blamed the Noble House for this incident. I would therefore expect that it is Gornt who is behind this latest sabotage, again trying to divert attention away from his recent Amsterdam escapades.

Not the crash in Question, but another one of Gornt's recent write-offs.

With a warning not to accept lifts from Gornt, especially during the small hours of the morning, I wish all of my employees in the Netherlands a Happy Queen's day for tomorrow.

Sunday, 26 April 2009

Press Release: AGM & Shareholder Meeting

The Noble House Press office, 26 April 2009

The Noble House today confirmed the location of its 2009 AGM and Shareholder meeting. It will take place at the Royal Samuiian (Noble House Resort Group), Koh Samui, Thailand, between 28 May and 1 June. This will run following the annual Tai-Pan conference in Hong Kong, hosted this year by Victoria Bank.

Shareholders should register their interest to attend by 10 May.

Saturday, 18 April 2009

Tai-Pan Summit ends with mixed results

Over the past week in Amsterdam, the heads of several Hong Kong firms and institutions have been meeting with European business leaders. Progress on several important deals was going well until the head of Rothwell-Gornt stormed off after his 'unique' negotiation style failed to win over property developers from Amsterdam's city centre. I did not see him again until the following morning, when the newspaper was served with my breakfast.

Poor Gornt looked a little the worse for wear, and slightly spaced out, when he was photographed leaving a premises in the Red Light District at 3 a.m., and was heard to be rambling about 'Hallucinations' and 'Stark reality' as the headline states.

Gornt's PR department went into overdrive, thinking attack the best form of defence, trying again to smear the name of the Noble House. As their allegations are entirely fictional, they have settled out of court. I wish Quillian a quick recovery, and am sure he can regain the vast amount of face that he lost with a generous donation to the Amsterdam Orphans fund.

Monday, 6 April 2009

Shipping Slump Stops Some (but not the Noble House)

Recent media reports are spinning a yarn tale over the effect of the downturn on the shipping industry here in the Fragrant Harbour. Some are weighed down by charter chains, but no shipping firm has yet got into serious financial trouble (unlike some from Asia's second world city). Having started as a shipping and export firm, the Noble House knows the business back to front, although this forms a much smaller part of the company these days. Having always owned and used its own ships it is still sailing through the storm as Mr Howse has testified on the BBC (a slight lapse in memory for names can be forgiven!) while others are drifting towards the rocks and reefs. So for secure shipping through the financial turmoil, you can still be sure of the Noble House.

Saturday, 14 March 2009

Swire Slick Spoils Seas

The Noble House is sad to learn of the disaster that has struck the Australian coast. The Swire-owned vessel Pacific Adventurer shed its cargo of oil after being caught in the tail of a cyclone. As Tai-Pan of The Noble House I would never permit a vessel to go to sea unless it was deemed safe, especially through typhoon-wracked waters. That is why Struan's reputation is unblemished, and is Hong Kong and the World's firm of choice when it comes to ocean transport.

The Pacific Adventurer before the incident

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Noble House Records

The Noble House is proud to release the first album by our newest signing on the Struan Sounds label.

Available from all good stockists in Victoria.

If you are thinking of moving into the music industry, you would do well to read HKOB holdings' guide to making it in the record industry, based on an oiriginal idea by Noble House Publishing.

Monday, 23 February 2009

Financial Crisis hits home at Rothwell Gornt?

Browsing through the Taipan Times personal ads section, I happened to notice something that made me wonder if Gornt's company has quite the reserves he claims.

Sea Witch, currently of Hong Kong Royal Yacht Club

Gornt's favourite cruiser, the Sea Witch (named after his ancestor Brock's clipper) is up for sale. And at a price I think is quite unreasonable for such a junk (all puns intended).

I fear that if he's trying to raise capital to attempt to purchase new property, selling this isn't going to even raise enough money for the taxi ride to the estate agent.

Sunday, 8 February 2009

Struan's Cola - Hong Kong's safe Cola

The Noble House, as everyone knows, is the purveyor of Hong Kong's finest soft beverage - Stag Cola: The cool of the Highlands in the heat of the tropics.

As the Tai-Pan of the Noble House, particularly when it comes to our products, the safety and health of Hong Kong is a great concern of mine. I am particularly worried that Gornt is pressing ahead with the release of 'ExtraJoss - Active', after the scandal that arose during its recent trial period in the Philippines.

It turned out that the factory Gornt bought to make this product used to be a pesticide factory. Subsequently, the 'ExtraJoss - Active' was tainted with abamectin, chlorthiophos and kasugamycin. As their marketing gimmick inside the ring-pull would say: Bad Joss.

Not only has Gornt gone ahead with ExtraJoss regular here in Hong Kong, but the source is still the same. Can he guarantee the safety of this product? He has so far avoided any comment on this product, and ExtraJoss - Active is not even listed on the Rothwell-Gornt website.

Citizens of Hong Kong - if you want to stay safe, drink Struan's Stag Cola.

The Tai-Pan

Sunday, 1 February 2009

Press Release: 2008 4th Quarter and Full-Year Results

The Noble House has now released its complete results for 2008, and is pleased to retain its position as Hong Kong's most profitable company.

Earnings in the 4th quarter dipped slightly, in line with the global financial crisis, but it was still a record 135th year straight of growth in profits.

2009 looks to be a financially challenging year for the world, but The Noble House is sure that its diverse portfolio and dedicated staff will help it maintain its position as Hong Kong's most profitable trading house.

Please contact Euthanasia Tan (ex. 5154) for the full report.

Sunday, 18 January 2009

Year of the Ox

Report on the Annual Consultation with Master Yip

I have just returned from consulting our venerable 'Feng Shooee' advisor, Master Yip. The Noble House takes Chinese geomancy very seriously, as you are aware from the positioning of our office doors, and always consults Yip for his predictions over the following year for those members of staff who are keen to receive HK's most eminent astrologer's view upon the fortunes of the coming cycle. As Tai Pan of the Noble House, I have taken the liberty to interpret some of Yip's findings into business related contexts.

Yip: The Heavenly Stem and Earthly Branch are both grounded in earth, with concealed seams of gold and hidden springs. The coffers re-fill, but are spilled anew by chaos.

Tai-Pan: Although seemingly stable and initially profitable, the property/land sector will drain the funds poured into it. Not a good year to invest in new building projects (Shame about your new developments in Central and Kowloon West, Gornt). This also could be a veiled hint that there will be a general disaster to hit Asia - but then the astrologers do get caught up with big events happening in China in years that end in 9 (PRC founding, Tiananmen, May 4th movement etc.).

Yip: The giants that fell leave space for new dragons; those that did not fall must bend like the bamboo or shatter.

Tai-Pan: The Noble House was largely unscathed by the financial crisis due to forethought and diligent diverse planning. There will be new competition filling the vacuum left by competitors no longer with us. Rothwell Gornt did not collapse, but will have to fight hard against its rigid structures to adapt to new times. The Noble House will survive and prosper due to its flexibility.

Yip: The rat leaves chaos, the Ox stabilises; restraint, toil, wisdom and determination are the characteristics of the Ox. Those like the Ox will prosper.

Tai-Pan: Not a year for excess, put your head down and work. I'll put off buying that new AMG SLK as an example to the rest of the Noble House.

Yip: Be careful those born in the year of Ram, Horse, Dragon and Dog.

Tai-Pan: I know his birthday is a closely guarded secret, but I'd wager Gornt was born under one of these signs. Advice I didn't need in this instance!

For a full report, please contact The Tai-Pan's secretary Dyspepsia Wong on ext. +5118.